A Crimson Cord;

Nope. Not talking about batteries. Or my bra size. Nor is it baseball terminology.   It’s the tag team twins of Abandonment and Attachment.  I had known at some level, virtually for my whole life, that I had abandonment issues. As a young child, although unable to articulate it, I knew my mother and father had both chosen to leave me and never look back. As the years progressed I saw my mother, now married, have three children and establish a family that did not include me. I imagined, at the time, that my father had done the same.   There is a symbiotic relationship between abandonment and attachment issues that make forming lasting relationships especially difficult.  There is a deep yearning within a person to feel attached to another human being. We all crave a connection to someone and relationship is sought at every level - family, friendship, business, neighbours - we feel most satisfied when we have a sense that relationship an...

I don’t know how to be a daughter.  The thrill that these people who are my family would open their lives to me, invite me in unequivocally, was overwhelming and I so wanted to “do it right”. I wanted to be a good daughter. A daughter my dad could be proud of. Someone interesting, smart and talented. One of the first things he said to me at that initial meeting at the Regina Inn was “So, you’re successful.” Upon hearing it, I bristled. I took him to say “You need to pass muster. Be good enough. There’s a bar to reach. What are your credentials?”  He seemed surprised when he said it.  I bristled at that too. Had he really expected me to be a loser? A failure?    That statement has always bothered me. Throughout this whole thing, I didn’t just hope he would love me; I wanted him to  like  me. Additionally, I truly hoped he would want to  know  me. I wanted a connection. To have nothing from a parent for so many years, then to have somethin...

And they lived happily ever after! We are all suckers for a fairy tale ending. Myself included. There have been a couple occasions in my life where I thought I was truly going to have that epic fantastical outcome. This was one of them. This WAS like a Disney Movie. Sandra Bullock would play me and Robert Wagner would play my dad.  And then… People. Life. Past behaviour that is also current behaviour. Then there's the f ears and stuff. Stuff like my attachment and abandonment issues. Rejection issues. Trust issues. And then there’s… you know… the shame. They all get in the way.    I’m reminded of a letter Carolyn once wrote me. In it, among other things, she told me that I should be very grateful that Granny and Grandad had taken me in and raised me. The message I heard from her letter was something like this: You aren’t worth much kid.   You didn’t have a lot of takers.   No options.   You're so lucky you weren'...